if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
