"it" just moved
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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