He asked to "fluff my boner.."
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
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