she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
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