i need an iv and a liver transplant
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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