wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
