I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Fuck me I smell like cheese
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
