I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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