I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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