What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
