Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I could fuck to npr.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
