this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
