I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize
