my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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