hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize