Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
