either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
