i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Randomize
