happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
