wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
