last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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