I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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