he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize