I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
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