that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
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