Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
