i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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