I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
