My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
