My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
