i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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