just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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