it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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