Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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