she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
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