I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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