Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Pooping to opera.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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