She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
