Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
