i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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