I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
