ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize
