if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
