I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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