My sheets look like a crime scene.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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