i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
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