Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
