Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
