I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
