Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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