if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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