i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
