My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
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