I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
