I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
