I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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