4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I checked into jail on foursquare
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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