just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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