: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Randomize
