I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
